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| Dr. Shira Berkovits |
It appears that it isn’t a coincidence that sexual predators are often highly
respected members of a community. The old stereotype of stranger-danger is no
longer the prototype sexual abuser. Studies
have shown that are most often family members, family friends, or acquaintances. They can be
anyone: a parent, a sibling, an uncle, a teacher, a principal, a rabbi, a rebbe,
a camp counselor, a mentor, an older friend… anyone in a position of power over the child! The
US Department of Justice says that 93% of children that are sexually abused –
are abused by people they know and trust. (34% of abusers are family members
and 60% are acquaintances.)
Dr. Berkovits is a noted expert on this subject that consults
for the OU. She was a guest on Dovid Lichtenstein’s radio show Headlines (11/12/16). What
she said surprised me somewhat. Although it probably shouldn’t have looking at
it in hindsight.
Sexual predators are more than just conveniently located for
their nefarious purposes. It appears that they work at establishing themselves
as leaders in the community. People that often contribute greatly in many ways.
People that the community looks up to. People
that are seen as a truly good people. People that appear as Ehrlich as can be. Strict
in their Mitzvah observance and major contributors to their community with both
time and money.
Dr. Berkovits spoke of an abuser she spoke to that told her it
was his strategy to be the most generous, charitable person in the community -
doing the most Chesed in the community
He wanted to make sure that his reputation was so great,
that if accusations abuse ever came out, he would be the last person anyone
would suspect. ‘How can someone so wonderful ever do something like that?’ Cannot
be!
How do we then detect a potential abuser if they appear to
be so honorable? Dr. Berkovits said that we do not focus on reputation. We focus
on behavior. These people use a technique called grooming. They are very nice
to their victims before they cross the line. They may shower them with gifts,
and spend inordinate amounts of time with them in ways that endear the victim
to the abuser. These people look for ways to be alone with their victims. They may
offer free babysitting. Or seek to tutor your children for free. On the surface
they seem to be wonderful opportunities. When people are overly focused on spending
time with your children – more than they are on themselves - that is a red flag.
This grooming process not only on the child, but on the parents
and the community. Sexual abuse does not a suddenly. It is gradual. At first
the relationship is innocent. Proper and above board. As the relationship progresses
and trust is gained, they start crossing lines. They will try and get a child
alone and spend a lot of time with them. Then the inappropriate subjects come
up where they may want to have a conversation about Shomer Negiah; or wasting
seed.
Sexual abusers tend to have typical and normal profiles that blend
in with the community, They are usually married, have heterosexual
relationships, and are educated.
The adverse consequences are considerable and statistically significant.
Survivors that have been abused even once have a much greater incidence of
suicide, depression, alcohol and drug abuse, and even physical health risks
like heart disease, cancer, and dying younger. One experienced worker in the
field, Tzvi Gluck, said that of the 100 suicides that take place in the
Orthodox Jewish community per year, the vast majority are victims of sexual abuse
or molestation!
One of the difficult problems is in the area of disclosure.
May children simply don’t disclose the abuse – because they like to the abuser
or don’t want to upset their parents. When they do disclose it is often
accidental or tentative to see what the parental reaction would be. They fear
the reaction by the parent. And with good reason. What parent would react with
calm when he has just been told by his – even tentatively – that he has been
sexually molested or abused?!
Dr. Berkovits was asked what is the correct response from a
parent should be to a child that just disclosed abuse? For one thing don’t add
to his sense of victimization by saying things that reinforce his sense of victim-hood..
Instead build up his sense of confidence by saying how well he handled the
abuse and how proud you are of him for handling it that way.
There are four rules Dr. Berkowitz said that should guide a parent
on this issue.
1. A child should
never be left alone with an adult –no matter how close of beloved that adult is
- in a closed room that is locked. Just as in the Halachos of Yichud being
alone with a member of the opposite sex should be interruptible and observable,
so too should this be the case with an adult and a child.
2. Model this behavior so that you are never alone with any
child without the permission of the parents or with someone else in the room.
3. Teach children to never allow others to touch their body
parts and use clear language to identify which body parts you are talking
about. And that if it ever happens – they should come and tell them
immediately. Exceptions like Dr. visits should be done with a parent in the
room and it should be made clear it is OK under those circumstances.
4. No secrets. A parent should tell a child that if an adult
tells a child to keep secret – he should tell the parent immediately!
Dr. Berkowitz ended her interview by heartily endorsing Rabbi Yakov Horowitz's book, Let's Stay Safe authored by Bracha Goetz.
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| Rabbi Aharon Sorscher (Shas Illuminated) |
For this he and his family were harassed by members of his community and even vilified by one highly respected rabbinic personality. Ultimately he left town to settle in Detroit where he now resides.
The identity of this Talmid Chacham was not public at the time. But he has come out publicly to tell his story. His name is Rabbi Aharon Sorscher. He can be heard on Headlines (11/5/16). It is worthwhile listening to his story, and his advice.
