Loving the OTD Child

Chasidim walk past a “modesty sign“ in Beit Shemesh (JTA)

What is happening in the extremist suburb of Ramat Bet Shemesh - B  (RBS-B) is sickening. Although there is enough blame to go around and to be shared by both sides, it is the religious extremists that populate RBS-B that have the lion’s share of the blame in my view.  From JTA:

Long simmering tensions between haredim and teenage dropouts recently erupted in violence, necessitating police intervention in a city known throughout Israel as a microcosm of the religious kulturkampf being waged across the country…

On July 16, a haredi mob attacked a teenage girl. In a video of the incident posted online and shared widely on social media, the girl could be seen running down Nahar Hayarden, the neighborhood’s main thoroughfare, chased by what appears to be dozens of men in black hats and black coats who could be heard screaming about her allegedly immodest attire…

Less than a week later, shortly after the end of the Tisha b’Av fast, a second incident led to clashes between residents and several dozen teenagers who had gathered in the neighborhood. The police were called and several teens were arrested.

“I saw the girls come to the square and the extremists were here and suddenly I heard yelling and saw the haredim chasing the girls,” recalled Rudi, a 17-year-old dropout who hangs out on the corner of Rival Street. “The cops didn’t do anything. They call the cops every time we sit.”

Others had a different perspective on that evening.

“It was like a pogrom,” said Avner Steinhalt, one of the small number of non-haredi residents left in Ramat Beit Shemesh Bet. “It was one of the worst nights in this neighborhood.”

He recalled how tensions rose higher and higher during the days leading up to the Tisha b’Av fast day in July. Several days before the fast, a fight erupted between haredim and the teenagers, leading to the hospitalization of one of the teens. Finally, on the evening after the fast, some 60 young people gathered “to have revenge on the haredim.”

They found a small synagogue on Rival Street and “destroyed everything,” Steinhalt said. “Then they went out and started to hit some people in the road even though they did nothing.” 

Wow! 

Of course each side blames the other. But in my view, anyone with an objective eye can see where the real problem lies. It is in the intolerance of the extremists who reject anyone that disrupts their status quo.  And there are few disruptions in a town like that are as disruptive as OTDs living there. Why they became OTD is hardly a concern for them. They are a bad influence on their children that must be eradicated from their town.

OTDs are the antithesis of the extremism that they espouse and try to live by.  That is what these young people have rebelled against. A rebellion that includes, immodest dress, and contraband such as smartphones - and the movies watched on them. When a community chooses to isolate themselves from the rest of the world, it’s easy to understand why they get upset when people bring things from that world into theirs - flaunting them openly and exposing them to passing children.

Understanding why they do that – does not however mean that they have to react with violence to all who pass through their neighborhood and veer from their norm. For the zealots of that town, it doesn’t matter how observant a passerby might be.  If they see an individual that has crossed one of their very tight lines, the zealots among them react with violence. With at least the tacit – if not explicit - support from the rest of the community.

It would be one thing to see these OTD youngsters as trouble makers and delinquents.  Which is the wrong way to see them. (More on that later). They see even other religious Jews that way, too. . Religious Zionists have been attacked by their zealots. And even other Charedim don’t get a pass: 

Deputy Education Minister Meir Porush’s car was mobbed in Ramat Beit Shemesh Bet in April. Several months earlier a soldier driving through the city crashed into a lamppost after his car was pelted with stones and trash. Last month, a local extremist was arrested for breaking a woman’s iPhone. 

Unfortunately, there are many more examples of the intolerance that isolationism like theirs breed.

That said, the fact is that OTDs will often behave in antisocial ways that are disruptive to any neighborhood. And in a neighborhood like RBS-B, it’s pretty easy to be disruptive that way. So placing the full blame on  RBS-B extremists is wrong.

The situation in RBS-B raises a lot questions.

Does a community have the right to set its own standards of behavior and rules designed to uphold that standard just because its majority strives to do so? Do they have the right to harass passersby who don’t measure up?

In my view, a community has the right to set up its own standards. What they do not have the right to do is enforce them. Certainly not in violent ways. They must abide by the rule of law in the country or municipality in which they live. 

Passersby should honor their sensitivities by following their rules – if they know what are. It is the right thing to do. It’s called being a Mentch. Be that as it may - they also have the right to be selfish and ignore them. And certainly the residents who set up those rules have no right to enforce them. 

This is where RBS-B fails. And fails miserably. They believe that enforcing their standards outweighs civility or any law that violates those standards. Which in my view why this kind of thing keep happening so often.

More importanty to the issue at hand, Why did these young in RBS-B  go OTD to begin with? How did parents in those neighborhoods deal with them? How can a community of religious Jews allow this to happen? Does violence beget violence? Who threw the first blow?

Well… yes. Violence begets violence. That doesn’t make it right. It just makes it a fact. But what about those OTD kids? How in fact did it come to this? How can a parent not love their child enough to help them?

Most of are aware that there are a variety of reasons why a child will go OTD. But a good parent will love their children nonetheless, not matter what they have done. 

My guess is that the parents of these kids are so intolerant of any change in their behavior that if it deviates even slightly from their norm, they are given the alternative of ‘shape up or ship out’. Meaning if they keep violating any of their extreme standards…  Bye bye. You are not going to live under my roof and influence your siblings with your non observant ways. Have a nice life. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. 

In short, it is these very RBS-B resident that have created this ‘monster’. They are to blame. If they instead would love their children instead of rejecting them they might have seen a different outcome for them. It is their extreme level of intolerance that in my view is the real source of the problem.  

Alex Fleksher has written an excellent essay (available on the OU website) which can give us insight on this very issue. Taking a cue from Fred Rogers (of Mr. Rogers fame) she says the following: 

When Mr. Rogers says in his deliberate and gentle way, “Everyone longs to be loved. And the greatest thing we can do is let people know that they are loved and capable of loving,” it is not difficult to think about our relationships with loved ones, particularly children, and recognize the truth in his words. “Love is at the root of everything. All learning, all relationships. Love, or the lack of it,” is one of Mr. Roger’s most famous quotes. 

Alex goes on to develop this idea as a particularly Jewish one.

The bottom line is that love for a child should never be conditional. Intolerance should have no place in a loving parent’s heart. But intolerance is the middle name of extremists in places like RBS-B. Even as it applies to their own children, apparently. Ask Deputy Education Minister Meir Porush.