SephardiLady posted in her blog Orthonomics yesterday about the Issur of Lo Sachmod and the descriptive example the Chafetz Chaim gives of it. It is quite illuminating to me that his icon of Judaism, the man who literally wrote the book that is so widely accepted as Halacha Basra… the final word in Jewish law… wrote such words well before American Orthodoxy as we know it today even existed. And yet in the Charedi world it seems to be honored so much in the breach. Lo Sachmod!
And it didn’t start yesterday. This is a decades old phenomenon that seems to have arisen right along with the success of the Yeshiva system as we know it today. And Shadchanim seem to know this system well as they seem to always make it “part of the deal” before an engagement is consummated.
I didn’t know how serious an issue this was until a few years ago. I was in Detroit at the wedding of the daughter of an old friend of mine… someone I had gone to elementary school with there. As is almost always the case when I visit Detroit, I ran into an old classmate that I haven’t seen since childhood. He was sitting right
ext to me at the Chupah. After the usual “Wow, I haven’t seen you since forever” banter… he proceeded to tell me a horror story.
This fellow was in Chinuch, a Rebbe in the very same day school we both attended as children there... and firmly implanted in the Charedi world. He told me that when it came time for a Shiddach for his daughter, he approached a well respected Shadchan who then was able to set up his daughter for a date. They went out a few times and
they really hit it off. It looked like an engagement was imminent. That’s when he got "the call".
The Shadchan told him that this boy is a diamond… and has a real prospect for Gadlus. As such he deserved to be supported to the tune of about a thousand dollars a month for a period of two years. Being on the lower end of the income spectrum this Rebbe had no extra cash of that kind. He had no ability and therefore no intention of doing
anything like this. The Shadchan gave him an ultimatum. Come up with the money or the Shiddach is off. Well, the daughter was a bit too far along the Shiddach path. His daughter “fell in love” (in the Charedi sense) with this fellow and did not want to lose him. The tears started flowing. This Rebbe loved his daughter and decided that he would find a way to come up with the money. He ended up selling his life insurance policy. It gave enough money to support his future son in law for 2 years at half the asked for amount, $500.00 per month. The young man agreed and they lived happily ever after. But at a very steep price.
This dedicated Mechanech who chose to live an austere lifestyle so that he could fulfill his Tafkid teaching Torah to young children, had to give up his financial security at retirement, and… should something have happened to him… protection for his family. And he had 6 more daughters to marry off with one about ready to go.
It was a bitter experience for him. But it seems to be the norm in right wing circles. And it is nothing short of extortion. The system extorts. And the Shadchan picks the most critical point of a relationship to spring the extortion! Haven’t these young Bnei Torah learned the Aseres HaDibros? Do they really need to extort money from their in-laws to stay in the Torah learning? Is this the Darkei Noam
of the Torah? Yet this seems to be standard operating procedure in right wing circles. And many of the Shadchanim are Rebbeim... or Roshei Yeshiva... or Mashgichim... at the finest Yeshivos in the world.
I have even heard that these Shadchanim actually encourge the better students and go around telling these “diamonds” that they shouldn’t settle for anything less than dollar amounts commensurate with certain a standard of living.
Shiduchim are hard enough to make. The people we honor the most, our Mechnchim and Klei Kodesh pay a high price for their dedication to Torah by living a modest life style… and this is how they are treated?!
The whole thing makes me sick!
