Once again I feel that it is my sad duty to present yet another victim of certain individuals within the Torah world. I don’t know who these individuals are. But I know the identity of poster and know the world in which he has lived most of his adult life. That respected people can act this way is more than troubling. And it should reach the very essence of our hearts and souls that someone is made to suffer so much by those who supposedly represent Torah ideals. The actions taken by these individuals seem to be very one sided, unfair, and even cruel. And he currently must withstand all the slings and arrows thrust at him... without any real recourse!
While it is true that there are always two sides to every story and the following presentation is only from his perspective, I cannot help but believe that he has been unjustly treated by the people he trusted. In an effort to help him present his story and give him Chizuk I have invited him to write the following guest post.
Havoc From Across the Ocean
Perhaps I thought a year ago that I could not be shocked by anything that I would find out about the 'frum world' after living in it for over 30 years, but I was soon to discover that that was not the case. I suppose HaKadosh Baruch Hu is pointing out to me how different it feels when something happens to you than when you just hear about it, and maybe I will be able to have more sympathy for others when I hear of their troubles. It won't be possible to go into great detail in this short posting (thank you to R. Maryles for use of his blog), and there is almost an endless amount of information in this story which is necessary to really understand what is going on (which I myself can't say that I do right now). I would therefore like to focus on the really scandalous aspect of things, which is the way certain people seem to be meddling in others' lives in a way which is utterly inexcusable.
Last February, I thought that I was happily married and was looking forward to our 25th anniversary in the summer. My wife and I have lived together in Jerusalem for all that time and have 9 children, and though there have been fights, none of it seemed to be out of the ordinary, and in general I felt that we had a warm personal relationship. Suddenly, in a total surprise for me, my wife announced (in the context of a discussion of a minor incident involving one of the children) that "someone said we should get divorced." Within a few days, and with very little explanation from her of her motivations, we were living apart, and she made it clear that she had no intentions of even trying to work for reconciliation.
I spent much time and effort trying to talk to people and piece together what was happening (even though I was aware, of course, of certain problems which were my fault but were far from grounds for divorce in my opinion). The impression that I got and which I still have is that my wife had been discussing me and our marital problems behind my back for years, and that certain people who were very far from having first-hand knowledge of the situation were actually pushing her to get divorced and to be absolutely uncompromising about it.
One of these people is a woman who lives in America, and though she has visited with my wife on visits to Eretz Yisrael, she has never once met me or even spoken to me on the phone. I now have clear evidence that this woman has advised my wife that I am "abusive" and "dangerous" (without ever seeing me in person!) and must be treated with total ruthlessness and not even talked to. I have tried to call her and email her, and she simply refuses to answer. I have since found out that this woman "engineered" her own daughter's divorce 6 years ago in the same way, and that daughter is now a close friend and advisor of my wife, to my great dismay.
The other person whose behavior has astounded me is a Rabbi who was my teacher in a Ba'al Teshuva Yeshiva here in Eretz Yisrael before our marriage but who lives in the U.S. for over 25 years. I have stayed in touch with him and taken advice from him over the years, and in particular I confided in him about a very sensitive problem I have had (which I may discuss further in future posts if there is interest.) In the course of recent months, it has become very clear to me that this Rabbi has also been advising my wife to be against me, although, again, he is not in a position to know anything directly about my behavior or the situation in our family. I have spoken to him a number of times over this period, and he has made many remarks which make it obvious that he sees me also as being some kind of abusive husband and father, and he refuses to believe my assertions that my wife is distorting the picture tremendously and saying many things which are simply lies.
He has also been quite evasive, never giving straight answers and making himself as unavailable as possible. Even though I have written him many letters and asked him explicitly to write me back about this very serious matter, he has not written me one word and he speaks to me only when I call him. It goes without saying that I feel terribly betrayed and disappointed in the behavior of these people (as well as others) who should be expected, as prominent members of the frum society, to be examples of decency and derech eretz.
Again, without discussing the details of the case, I can assure everyone that I am far from being "abusive", and if I was, our marriage would have never lasted 25 years. There is simply no reason why anyone should be encouraging my wife to proceed in this extreme fashion without any genuine attempt to work things out through counseling.
Let me add that there are many fine Talmidei Chachamim and counseling professionals who know the facts of the story (including everything that I actually did wrong) and are appalled by the conduct of my wife and her advisors. At this point she is pursuing a court case against me in the secular courts, even though this is unconditionally forbidden by the halacha, and she is slandering me and insulting me to individuals and in the court. It is beyond belief that frum people should countenance such actions.
At this point, I am not revealing the names of these people or giving enough information to make it possible to guess their identities. I would like to hear the reactions of the tzibbur to this sort of thing (as well as any similar stories which people may know of) in order to decide what should be done about this plague of irresponsible and seemingly malicious behavior in our community.
If the people who are against me wish to reveal who I am and what the claims against me are, I am unafraid. I have done nothing to harm anyone and neither do I wish to do so. I make no claims of being a perfect person or a tzaddik, but I do not deserve the sort of treatment that I have been given, and I believe that if those with accusations against me will come out with them in public, I will be vindicated. Yesh Din v'Yesh Dayan.
