Rabbi Shmuley Boteach has written an op-ed in the Jerusalem Post that describes a very disturbing event. And once again it illustrates the dangers of the year of study in Israel that is near universal for Yeshiva and Beis Yaakov high school graduates . A father of a young woman attending a seminary in Israel wrote about an incident she observed. From the article:
“This man's daughter, "Devorah," called him in hysterics to say that she had taken a girl from her class to the family apartment on a Thursday night when, for some reason, many seminaries allow the girls to sleep out.” “His daughter's friend, "Batya," said that she was going to meet a friend on Ben Yehuda and would be back soon. She returned at 3 a.m. with a catatonically drunk seminary girl dragged by two male yeshiva students with whom she had been drinking.”
The father then tells of his shock of his daughter’s experience and his outrage at how it was handled by a very prominent head of one of the largest and most prominent women's seminaries in Israel. Instead of being sympathetic “… he was appalled when the head of the seminary turned hostile. "From my perspective," the rabbi said, "not only did Batya do nothing wrong, because she was not the one who got drunk, your daughter is the villain for bringing her to your apartment."
I have no idea who this seminary head is. Nor do I know what the Hashkafa of this seminary is. But it is clear that there is something very wrong with the system if this is typical of the kind of reponse given to a worried father. Should we worry about our daughters going to study in Israel for a year or more? “Darn tootin” we should. And we should be worried as well about our sons.
The issue of Seminaries in Israel was addressed on this blog twice, once by me and once by a guest poster. And there are certainly great benefits to the year in Israel. There are of course drawbacks too, not the least of which is the financial burden upon the parents. But this article informs us that there is something new to worry about: An apparent tendency towards arrogance on the part of successful seminary heads who think they can help troubled young women by accepting them into their schools. If they are not professionally trained to do so, not only is this untrue but it is dangerous as well. It is dangerous to the troubled young women and potentially to those she comes in contact with.
As Rabbi Boteach says:
"…it is arrogant for these yeshivas to believe that they can help teenagers with serious drug and alcohol problems when they are not equipped to do so. We must all know our limitations. Send the kids to places where they can get real help."
This is a real problem and I think such arrogance stems from a sincere desire to help plus a false sense of the ability to do so. Why do they feel they can Help without professional training? I don’t know. Perhaps great success in one area makes them think they can do no wrong in another. Since they have track record of success training normal and mentally healthy young women in spiritual matters, they feel they can also be successful with young women with serious emotional problems. It is a sort of megalomania... an obsession with doing extravagant or grand things because of the successes they have had. But of course without professional training the results can be catastrophic.
As I have said in the past, the year in Israel can be… and most of the time is… a very maturing and very spiritually uplifting experience. And if one can afford it, it is well worth the money. But for the “Batyas” it can end up being the ruination of their lives. And she can easily drag some “borderline” emotionally disturbed personalties with them. The Batya’s of the world should not be going 7000 miles away from home to live on their own with little or no supervision. And seminary heads ought not to be accepting them. And if one such students slips by detection in the interview process, when discovered, should not be defended but immediately sent home where the parents can seek professional help. And for their part (perhaps more significantly), parents of troubled young people should not be sending them. They who know their children best and know if there is potential for serious problems… Or at least they should.
Most young women attending seminaries are mature enough to act responsibly when they are away in Israel for a year. But there is unfrotuantely a large number who aren't and it is both a spiritual and physcial danger for them to be sent off to Israel and live "on their own" for a year.
Strictly enforced rigorous curfews and the like are not necessarily an answer. Although in some cases curfews are a good idea, and there should definitely be those kinds of semnaries, it should not be a universal rule in all seminaries. If anyome thinks a school with a curfew will solve an emotional problem they couldn’t be more wrong. Resourceful girls will figure out a way to circumvent the rules… or just break them, hoping they won’t get caught. They will take chances and not think about the consequences of their actions Besides, it is unfair to all the responsible young women attending seminaries in Israel to impose a curfew on them… because of the few perceived to need it. All 3 of my daughters went to seminaries in Israel (Sharfman's and Michlala.. late 80s early 90s). They had no curfews. And I was not worried at all for even a minute.
Bottom line is: know your children. Do not fool yourself about their level of maturity. There are many different kinds of seminaries and Yeshivos out there with many different rules and Hashkafos. Some have strict curfews and some don’t. And the year in Israel is not for everyone. Only if you truly know your children (the way any good parent should) can you then make a responsible decision about where to send them.. or whether to even send them at all.
