A friend of mine once told me that when she was still dating, her famous rabbinic father told her that she should date Ner Israel guys, because Ner Israel specialized in “normal”.
But “normal” is no longer “cool” in the Torah world. It has been replaced by extremism.
In the previous thread I made mention of the fact that a Gadol of the last generation, Rav Mordechai Rogov ZTL said about mixed seating at weddings, "In Der Lita, Zenen Mir Nit G’ven Makpid". Lithuainian Gedolim did not care if a wedding was mixed seating or not. Those were his exact words when asked about whether mixed seating at a wedding is permissible.
Just because a custom existed centuries ago when it was a universal practice to separate the sexes doesn't mean the practice has to be continued when that practice no longer exists. By insisting on it we perpetuate an unnecessary Chumra. And this is the reason that the Maharam Yafa disagrees with the Psak of the Rama. It doesn’t matter whether we Paskin like the Maaharm Yafa or not. As Rabbi Rakeffet said, The Maharam Yafa doesn't disagree with the Rema. All he says is that, a hundred years later (after the Rama), we today are used to men and women sitting together. And that means that we can say SheHasimcha Bimono.
That said, I have no problems with people being as Machimr as they want. The problem is that it has long ago ceased being looked as a Chumra. It is now at the point where it is looked at as a necessary requirement. We live in a brave new world today that looks at every Chumra as virtually Halacha L'Moshe MiSinai. And this is just another cog in that wheel.
I don't think it serves Klal Yisroel well to constantly push ourselves into the oblivion of extreme separateness. We do not have to abdicate normalcy.
Normalcy does not mean, as some people have suggested, a concession to the decline of sexual morality that exists in much of the secular world. It is simply the desire to live one’s life in halachicly permitted ways and in ways which are culturally defined as normal behavior. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is not Chukas HaGoy to desire to be normal within the framework of one’s culture. If there were, we would have to reject everything that is not sufficiently different from secular society as Chukas HaGoy.
For example ties. How can any sincere Torah Jew with this attitude wear a suit with a tie? Or even a Kapoteh with a tie? It’s a Goyishe invention that is worn by members of a society whose morality is in severe decline. Shouldn’t we do everything we can to dissociate ourselves from their ways? I can’t wait to see photos of Rav Shach with his tie digitally removed from all of his pictures.
Being Frum does not require abdicating societal norms as long as they do not violate Halacha. And the societal norm in western civilization is to seat men and women together at events where both are invited. Western civilization does not look favorably at the concept of separating husbands and wives from each other at weddings and neither do I. And neither did the Great Roshei Yeshiva in Lithuania, if one is to believe Rav Rogov.
But today, mixed seating is looked at as practically an Aveirah, as in the case where a non Chasidic Bal Habos left my daughter’s mixed seating wedding... refusing to sit with his wife at a table with other similarly Frum couples. The following true story illustrates the almost purely Chitzonius factor that I believe is driving all this. And Halacha has little if anything to do with it.
A very close friend of mine wanted to have mixed seating at his daughter’s wedding. She married a Talmid from a right wing Yeshiva whose family was not Makpid on separte seating and neither was he. But one of his Roshei Yeshiva met with my friend and twisted his arm to have separate seating. He also met with the Chasan’s parents in an all out effort to get them to change their minds. My friend was very upset by this but as he is not the type of person to cause waves, he gave in and they had separate seating.
Why did this RY insist on having separate seating? He told the Chasan, “How would it look if one of our own Bachurim would have a mixed seating affair?” This happened well over 15 years ago. Chitzonius. That was the issue. That and the issue of achieving maximum insularity seem to be the goal today. But the price in abdicating normalcy is way too high.
