We are moving away from normalcy. What was once common, normal, and decent behavior in the Torah world is no longer considered appropriate. The Torah world is at a point where we no longer are considered able to control our sexual urges. Any social contact with women is now looked upon as a Michshol to be avoided. Women are more and more to be looked at as obstacles to Kedusha as they can possibly cause impure thoughts. How far does this go? Will we reach a point where men and women will be so separated that they will be forbidden to be in the same room together? In our Takana happy society, who knows? Maybe the potential for transgressing Issurei Erva, (forbidden sexual relationships) is too great for us to bear. Next Takana: No more women and men in the same room.
Our rabbis have decided on numerous occasions to opt for just being more Machmir, as this Kol Koreh from Yeshiva World shows The thinking seems to be, “Let’s just legislate Michshol out of existence”. They have just “thown in the towel” to self control issues. We cannot be trusted. In the world of Torah women are more and more coming to be looked at as Michsholim for men… objects of physical desire to be avoided as much as possible. “We must be put in the most pristine of environments.” “Let’s just eliminate all the scenarios where men and women can ever be in the same area.”
Chasidim of course already have these kinds of standards. They separate as much as possible as this story told over by Rabbi Rakeffet demonstrates:
“There is a story about Chafetz Chaim and Rav Meir Shapiro coming to him for Shabbos. He asked that there be separate seating. It is an absolute true story that before he comes to Radin, he tells the Chafetz Chaim I am going to be in Radin for Shabbos, I would like to be at your table. The Chafetz Chaim says, "with pleasure." The Maharam Shapiro knew that the Chafetz Chaim was a Litvak, i.e., men and women eat together. Maharam Shapiro asks the Chafetz Chaim to separate, that is, to put his wife at a different table. The Chafetz Chaim answers that if that is the case you can't be my guest.”
But this story also demonstrates how the Chafetz Chaim reacted. 180 degrees opposite of today. Today. We would be looking at Rabi Meir Shapiro’s custom as something to emulate, not the Chafetz Chaim’s custom. After all, are we going to let Chasdim be Frumer than us? We are not there yet but we are definitely going in that direction.
And if one thinks that separate rooms or even buldings for men and women at weddings are ridiculouys and far fetched, It’s not. These customs already exist. The Kalla and all the women at the large weddings of the children of Chasidic Rebbes are separated in their own building… and the Chasan and the men into theirs.
And whatever happens in the Chasidic wolrd cannot be too far off from being adopted in the non-Chasdic world.
Don’t think such things can happen? Too extreme? Only Chasidim go to such extremes? I beg to differ.
It used to fairly automatic at the most religious of non Chasidic weddings that the Kalla would come over to the men and watch them dance Keitzad Merakdim Lifnei HaKallah. But no more. Now it’s considered not Frum enough! Nope. Keep everyone separate, including the Chasan and Kallah at the Simchas Chasan V’Kalla!
Of course there are those who will say that I am too immersed in western culture and that has collored my views. I should instead concern myself with what God really wants. They will contend that in fact we ought to be returning to the pristine era of our ancesters and live a life of Tznius the way they did instead of valuing the “disgusting morals of western culture” Our grandparents and great grandparents never had mingling of the sexes. Men and women were always separate. And the further we go back in history the more separate the sexes were! As if on Tu B’Av with single girls dancing in front of prospective Chasanim never existed. (I know, I know… we are not on their level.)
They will also say that in order for a wedding to be a Simcha B’Mono… (A Simcha holy enough to be considered in the heavenly realm of God) one may not have mixed seating at a wedding. Never mind that there have been many Teshuvos explaining why that standard is not relevant to our times. Never mind that in the last few generations in the world of Lithuanian Yeshivos there was mixed seating at weddings, never mind that Gedolim like R. Moshe Feinstein and Rav Yaakov Kaminetsky were happy to sit with their wives at mixed tables at weddings. Doesn’t matter. We must separate, separate, separate. And this mindset is the genesis of the Mehadrin buses as well.
I will never forget walking the streets of Bnei Brak a couple of decades ago on a Friday night and seeing a family of Chasidim taking a walk.. The wives were several paces behind their husbands. For them it is a matter of Tznius. They separate the sexes even to the extent of taking a walk with a spouse on a Friday night.. How long before the non- Chasisidic world takes on this Chumra? How long before we are told we cannot take a walk with our wives on Shabbos?
I’m sorry this is not normal The extremes that we are aksed to go to today in the name of avoiding Michshol are not normal. God does not require us to be abnormal in our behavior. But that is where we are being led today. Just look at the recent Takanos of Tznius enacted in Israel. How long before that becomes the standard here?
I truly hate what is happening to Klal Yisroel. Normalcy is “out the window”. We are being led to believe that all God wants from us are Chumros.
But that is simply not true. By enacting ever more separations between the sexes we are increasingly treating our women as no more than sex objects, lip service to the contrary.
I have excerpted the following from a lengthy Shiur by Rabbi Aaron Rakeffet. It is from an earlier post I wrote on the subject and it bears repeating now more than ever:
“When the Rema paskens that you can't say "shehasimcha beme'ono" when men and women are sitting together, the Maharam Yafa doesn't disagree. Someone [told me] we don't pasken like the Maharam Yafa. It is nothing to do with the way we pasken. He [Maharam Yafa] doesn't disagree with the Rema. All he says is, a hundred years later [i.e. 100 years after the Rema], that we today are used to men and women sitting together. Therefore we have no problem saying “shehasimchah beme'ono”.
“We should educate our men and women in the charaidi and in the modern orthodox world, [to] develop a wonderful relationship with each other. Marriage is a lot more than just a physical or an earthly union to enable you to discharge the obligations of "pru urevu" [be fruitful and multiply] and "onah" [relations]. Marriage is something else, way beyond that.A person should feel towards his wife, and vice versa, [that she is] his best friend. [She is] his confidant. [She] is his soulmate. [She] is a lot more than just his sexual partner or the mother of his children. To me, wherever I go I always want my wife at my side. I have seen gedolai Yisrael. I grew up watching the Rav. I saw Rav Moshe. I saw Rav Yaakov. I saw the way they related to their wives. It was a living mussar saifer. It was truly chavairtecha ve'aishet britecha.”
