Some wise words from a Charedi source. Well, I’m not absolutely sure it is a Charedi source but it certainly seemed like it. I’m talking about an article I read over Shabbos by Rabbi Ben Tzion Kokis entitled “Helping Ba’alei Teshuva Be Themselves”.
I don’t know Rabbi Kokis, nor do I even remember from which website this article dated January 4th was taken. I printed out a while back. But the writer’s tone had an unmistakable Charedi ring to it.
Reading this article made me realize that his advice could easily be applicable to quite a few young Yeshiva Bachurim in the Charedi community, not just the world of the Baal Teshuva. The advice he gives was in response to a phenomenon he observed amongst many Balei Teshuva. In essence he was telling them not to give up common sense in their personal lives. Several examples he used showed that the most sincere of Baalei Teshuva are the ones most vulnerable to this phenomenon.
The fact is that they have no religious background and have a sincere desire to always do the right thing and not make mistakes in Halacha. They soon realize that their own common sense is not always the best way to solve a Halachic dilemma so they seek “the rabbi” for all questions of Halacha. Their desire to conform to the norms of the Frum community which they are trying to become a part of, coupled with the realization that almost every aspect of one’s life involves Halacha... and they soon abdicate all common sense entirely.
In one example he gives, a woman Ba’alas Teshuva who wanted to get married ignored her own common sense in choosing a mate and listened to her Kiruv advisors. They urged her to marry a young man, also a Baal Teshuva, without allowing her to consider her own normal feelings and reservations about him. They assured her that it would all work out. The result was a pregnancy and a divorce after less than a month of marriage. Had she listened to her inner self, she would never have married the young man.
The very valid point Rabbi Kokis makes is that Kiruv workers need to respect a person’s own intelligence and common sense and not negate them in the process of Kiruv. Far too often a Baal Teshuva in a sincere desire to become Frum loses trust in his or her own ability to make any decisions in life… even those that are clearly not in contradiction to Halacha… and places far too much trust in those who have been guiding their path into the Frum world. And by the same token the Kiruv worker often is so worried about a secular past infiltrating into the thinking of Baalei Teshuva that he convinces them to totally subjugate themselves to the “rabbi” and trust only his thinking. While that is fine for Halacha, it is not fine for decisions in life that are not Halacha. And that’s where the danger lies. The woman in the story above should have used her own common sense to realize that the young man proposed to her in marriage was not for her, but she ignored her feelings.
To a lesser but still significant extent, his same phenomenon occurs in many cases of Charedi Yeshiva students. They too have also abdicated common sense. I have observed this phenomenon a few times and it’s very sad. These young Bnei Torah are afraid to do virtually anything without consulting with their Rebbe or Rosh Yeshiva. They have given up all their decision making abilities and handed them over to what they consider Daas Torah: “Should I get married now?” “Should I marry this woman?” “Should I buy an apartment now?” “Should I buy a car now?” “Should I buy a Buick… or a Toyota?” “Should I buy this dining room set… or that one?” Almost every time a decision needs to be made in life, they consult a rebbe. And then they treat it like Psak Halacha! Now, I’m fairly certain that most Yeshiva students aren’t like this but enough of them are for it to be a concern. And the reason they are like that, in my view, is not all that dissimilar from the reason that many Baalei Teshuva are like that. They have been indoctrinated to believe that Daas Torah must always be consulted and they take it to an extreme.
I have no issue with a young Yeshiva student who seeks advise from those individuals who are older and wiser and have more experience. In fact it is a good idea to do so. And most of the time a Rebbe or Rosh Yeshiva qualifies. But it should not be taken as Psak Halacha and should be considered along with the advice of others… like parents, siblings, or friends. And one’s own Daas, including common sense needs to play a major part in any decision. Certainly a young man should be able to buy a piece of furniture without consulting with his Rebbe.
So, just as Rabbi Kokis advises Kiruv workers to teach Baalei Teshuva to respect their own native intelligence and common sense, so too I would hope that the Rebbeim and Roshei Yeshiva advise their students to do the same thing. By not doing so and instead catering to trivial “Shailos”, they contribute to and perpetuate the problem. It’s really sad when I see young and otherwise very bright young people turning into zombies, whether they are Baalei Teshuva or Frum from birth.
