Rabbi Gil Student has a post today about Tznius that asks a very important question:
“I've always wondered what in the world these women are thinking when they buy their clothes. Presumably they look into a mirror. Do they have even the slightest doubt that it is unacceptable to dress like that?”
By “like that” he obviously means dressing in a provocative manner.
I’ve addressed the issue of Tznius in women’s clothing in the past. It was in the context of a formal ban in Charedi society that I felt was excessive, ineffective, and even harmful. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think there should be standards.
As Torah Jews we are indeed obligated to be modest in our manner of dress. For women this means not dressing in a sexually provocative manner. But how does one dress in a manner that is neither provocative on the one hand and yet not dowdy and unattractive on the other? What is the happy medium? Before one can answer this question, one must understand some basic human psychology.
There is a major difference between how men and women see each other sexually. Chazal recognized this very basic fact about the human condition as a basic biological fact. A Man will look at a woman and see something entirely different than will another woman looking at her. Men are aroused by what they see. They might have Hirhurim. (Hirhurim is the Hebrew word for thoughts. It is often used as shorthand for Hihurim Assurim, forbidden… or more accurately lustful thoughts in men.)
The reaction is completely physical. Women generally do not operate that way. Their sexuality is far more subltle and abstract. It is not as sight oriented. And this innate difference affects their perception of themselves.
Of course this does not mean that a woman who dresses provocatively won’t realize that she is doing so. But that is more a function of the culture than it is her innate psyche. Women understand how men react because they learn it experientially. They see it played out in the culture. And while many women understand it intellectually, it does not always translate well into action. That’s because they are not exactly sure how it works for lack of personally experiencing how a man’s sexuality works.
What happens in some cases therefore is that a woman will not realize that her manner of dress is all that provocative, especially if she is basically dresses modestly by secular standards. So how attractively may a woman dress before she starts to cause Hirhurim?
An objective answer is almost impossible to find. A lot depends on the culture and could be anywhere from walking around topless in some of the more primitive cultures to the requirement to wear a Burkha in some of the more rigid Islamist cultures. For Jews it is Torah law as expounded by the sages that guides us. Those laws are fairly well spelled out in Halacha and are desined for the most part to prevent lustful thoughts in men.
But there is a problem in execution of Halachic guidelines. Many Jewish women, even amognst the most religious, violate at least the spirit of the law if not the letter by the manner in which they dress. I believe that is in part due to in part to ignorance truly understanding male sexuality. Many of these women will look at the secular culture and by comparison they are indeed dressed very Tznius. And they are right, comparatively speaking.
It is quite true that the Tznius standards of non Jewish religious people in western civilization is very different and far more lax than they are for religious Jews. And in fact for many religious non Jews their manner of dress is modest and non arousing to their men. How can that be?
Well, it’s what they’ve become used to. Provocative clothing in the end is very relative to the culture. As I said, what is not provocative in one society may be extremely provocative in another. A Muslim may have lustful thoughts at the mere thought of seeing the face of a woman. And a man whose primitive culture has women going around topless is not provoked at all by what he encounters everyday in public. In western society the culture is very lax, to say the least.
There is another problem, to which Rabbi Student alludes. That of a woman trying to be attractive to her husband while remaining loyal to the standards of Tznius. And this is one of the truly big problems of our day.
One must also ask why a woman wants to dress a certain way. Is it because she wants to get attention for herself? Is it to get envious stares from other women? Is it to subconsciously flirt with other men? And what about husbands? They sometimes want their wives to dress attractively so as to show them off. No man wants to be seen as married to an unattractive woman.
This is further compounded by the often typical environment in workplace. Men will see women all day long in all manner of immodest dress. That is quite the norm and acceptable in modern society. Are they to be bombarded all day with in many cases very attractive women in the work place only to come home to a dowdy wife who must keep her hair covered, and wear loose fitting, unattractive clothing? This atmosphere ahs been shown to cause significant Sholom Bayis issues in some families.
One solution is seen offered is that wives should dress up for their husbands at home in private. This way a husband can look forward to their own wives without being distracted in the workplace by other women. But that is very unrealistic.
First of all the children are always there. It’s not a good idea for a woman to look provocative for her husband when her children are around. Second of all looking attractive takes a lot of time and effort. To expect married women to take the time and effort to do this at the end of a hard day with the children is not being realistic in the extreme. I doubt very much that any woman ever does this, let alone on a regular basis.
Yet, it has been postulated that many divorces have occurred because of scenarios like this. Men are around beautiful women in the workplace all day long. How does a wife compete with that?
We have two competing issues here: The requirement for Tznius and the requirement of Sholom Bayis.
To be sure men have to play their part and resist temptations in the workplace. And most religious men do. And there are also those who easily succumb to temptation no matter how many precautions one takes. But I believe there is a vast grey area that can cause great difficulties in a marriage when the circumstances are such as these arise.
There has to be a better way to implement standards of Tznius in the Torah world. A happy medium. Women should be allowed to look like women and dress fashionably without being provocative. And that means that for most people in our culture we cannot be overly Machmir on Tznius standards.
Tznius… Yes. Chumros… No.
