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| Rabbi Yaakov Bender |
Over the years I’ve been gently mocked by friends who enjoy
an occasional ‘L’Chaim’. I’ve gotten the usual ribbing, and at times have even
been cajoled into joining them. Always reluctantly, and never with more than a
single shot. No matter how fine or expensive a drink may be, I just don’t enjoy
it. Nor do I need the ‘buzz’ that many others seem to relish.
That makes me something of an outsider in social circles
where drinking has become a habit - and, for some, a passion. But I wear that
as a badge of honor. I do keep a selection of alcoholic beverages at home, but
those bottles come out only on rare occasions, such as an engagement party (L’Chaim). Or when a guest specifically requests it. Most of those bottles are
decades old.
It seems, however, that people like me are becoming rare. Social drinking among observant Jews appears to have become the norm.
But is
that a good thing? Does drinking truly enhance our friendships or
strengthen our communities? What are the downsides? Can serious harm result?
And are certain parts of the Orthodox community more vulnerable than others?
These were the questions that crossed my mind after reading a recent
article on YWN. Excessive alcohol consumption, it seems, is not limited to any
one segment of Orthodoxy. I might have expected the Charedi world - so focused
on holiness and spiritual discipline - to be more insulated. Yet when a Charedi
publication features a respected Rosh Yeshiva like Rav Yaakov Bender publicly
raising the alarm, it’s clear that the problem has reached his own community big
time. He called it…
…a “terrible, terrible problem” spreading through frum communities: a rapidly escalating culture of drinking that he says is fueling danger, hypocrisy, and tragic consequences for families and children.
Rav Bender laid responsibility squarely at the feet of parents — particularly fathers — who have normalized high-end alcohol, glorified drinking, and built a social ecosystem where whiskey isn’t just a beverage but a badge of status.
Rav Bender (described) a recent case in which a teenage boy from a prominent frum community caused a fatal car accident and is now facing years of jail time. “You know where he got it from? He went to a toameha in a very choshuv city (Lakewood). Toameha should be stopped.”
When I was in high school (in the 60s), I recall demographic
statistics about alcoholism being cited in my sociology class. Orthodox Jews were described as the
exception: aside from a small amount of sacramental wine, they rarely drank.
That dog no longer hunts. I have seen this first hand in the
case of a wealthy philanthropist who came to a L’Chaim already well ‘lubricated’.
And have been told by an aware mental health professional that more than a few
young fathers attend multiple Kiddushim on their way home from shul on Shabbos. Eventually
stumbling through the door of their home - drunk.
I have personally witnessed (many times) Yeshiva students
attending a wedding of a friend think nothing of getting drunk at the simcha.
This is a phenomenon that has easily been going on for the last 15 or 20
years. It didn’t matter whether these young people were Modern Orthodox or Charedi.
Far too many of them all sought alcohol and consumed copious quantities of it
before the Choson and Kallah entered the room! Resulting in behavior that can only be described as a Chilul HaShem!
The desire to get drunk is often rooted in depression;
alcohol becomes a form of self-medication. In that sense, alcohol abuse is
simply another form of drug abuse. Becoming an addiction driven by their emotional
struggles.
I’m not sure the current trend is primarily about self-medication. But I am certain that we need a conscious communal effort to rethink social drinking of the type described by Rabbi Bender. And certainly alcohol should be off limits to young people at a wedding.
Parents are the primary role
models for their children. If they take pride in alcohol consumption so too will their children, It is a slippery slope from there to disaster. Families have
been torn apart. Children have suffered. Not only emotionally, but spiritually.
Sometimes themselves turning to alcohol to escape the dysfunction created by a
parent’s drinking. Alcoholism can easily become the ‘gift’ that keeps on giving.
Once a person becomes addicted, removing the social
environment where the addiction began does not eliminate the addiction itself.
They will find new ways to feed it.
Rabbi Bender is right to raise the alarm. Awareness is essential. But awareness alone is not enough. Those already struggling need professional help—and strong family support. They must be encouraged to seek treatment. That is the only path that can save both them and their families from disaster.
