There is a great story about a Chasidic Rebbe… I think it was the Gerrer Rebbe, that went something like this: A Chasid whose daughter had been recommended to a Baal Teshuva had come to the Rebbe to discuss the ‘problem’. When the Rebbe asked him what the problem was, he said, ‘Well, The boy is a Baal Teshuva and I’m not.’ The Rebbe then retorted. ‘You’re not?! Why aren’t you?
That story has stayed with me for many years and is illustrative of several issues.
First of all it speaks about the soft bigotry that exists in the Torah world.
Secondly the statement by that Rebbe was very clear about where we should all be holding. None of us are exempt from Teshuva. All of us have a long way to go for perfection and very few of us ever fully reach it. We should constantly be in a state of seeking to do Teshuva.
Most importantly this story demonstrates the high value that the Rebbe placed on Baalei Teshuva. And of course he is right. Someone has come from a background on non-observance, searched for truth… for meaning in life… for the optimal lifestyle… and found observant Judaism, puts those people on a very high level. Their every single mitzvah act can be traced to their sincere desire to fulfill God’s will... even when they don’t feel it at a given moment and happen to do it by rote behavior.
Those of us born into a religious family cannot automatically make such claims. All too often our Mitzvos are done by rote behavior. If that’s how we were indoctrinated, we cannot make the same claim as a Baal Teshuva can. Our Mitzvah activities have been ingrained in us from the moment we became to be aware of our surroundings. I am jealous of every Baal Teshuva and am humbled by them.
This brings me to a phenomenon that is highly prevalent in the Torah world and reflected by the Chasid in the story. Instead of giving a high place of honor to Baalei Teshuva, they have instead become defacto second class citizens. It is an insidious form of soft bigotry that is barely acknowledged in the Torah world. Yet it is a hard fact. And it exists mostly in the Charedi world, which is somwhat understandable consdering how stronlgy and completely they reject the secular world.
I have heard countless times from my many Charedi friends how fiercely they oppose their children dating a Baal teshuvah, no mater how sincere and committed they are. The reason: Fear! They are afraid that the Baal Teshuva’s past will somehow become an influence in the ensuing family relationship. They believe it will somehow impact negatively on the children who will become at best abnormal. The Baal Teshuva can bring baggage into the family that is anathematic to the lifestyle of someone who was raised Frum from birth, especially someone who shuns every aspect of the secular world that the Baal Teshuva comes from.
And then there is the issue of the non Frum parents. Baalei Teshuva rarely have parents who have joined them in their Torah journey. At best they will be accepting and often they are quite rejecting of the adoption of this ‘archaic’ way of life. ‘How will this impact the children?’ ‘How can my grandchild… you child… be exposed and subjected to the lifestyle of grandparents who eat Treif and not Shomer Shabbos? It can only confuse them. Nope, dating a Baal Teshuva in many cases has almost become a cause for sitting Shiva in some cases, judging by the attitudes I’ve heard expressed.
Lubavitchers, who are the most active community with respect to Baalei Teshuva, are a prime example of the kind of separation that exists. It is very uncommon for a Baal Teshuva in Lubavitch to marry one who was Frum from birth. It is as though there are two Lubavitch movements when it comes to marriage. It does happen, but it is rare. Many a Baal Teshuva from Lubavitch has confided this fact to me. In fact I’m told that Lubavitcher Shadchanim consider a Baal Teshuva background a prime compatibility factor. The guy can be raised in a radical communist Hippie in a commune and the girl by a Wall Street Capitalist tycoon and it wouldn’t matter they are ‘set up’ because they are both Baalei Teshuva. What better commonality can one have?! Makes me kind of wonder if there is a significantly higher divorce rate among them than there is among non Baal Teshuiva Lubavitchers? But I digress.
I have heard from Baalei Teshuva who say they never feel fully accepted into the larger community. No matter how hard they try, they feel that they are about a quart low. They never quite feel they are accepted as equals. This feeling of soft rejection has to hurt. Of course it is never overt. There is always lip-service about how every Jew is equal. But the bigotry is often there.
When it comes to Shiduchim this is especially troubling. I will grant that people of like backgrounds will generally be more compatible than people of unlike backgrounds. But there is more to a relationship than similar religious backgrounds. There are far more important things like shared goals. There is commitment to Torah. And there is a wealth of other factors that makes for a relationship successful. Irreligious backgrounds are entirely worthless in the face of incompatibility issues or more serious problems.
How many abusive relationships are there where both spouses come from like backgrounds? Plenty, I’ll bet. In my view a successful relationship has less to do with background than it does with a ton of other factors… like Midos development, temperament, value systems and many, many other factors. I don’t deny that backgrounds should be considered. They should. A Chasidic girl might be uncomfortable dating a non-Chasid, no matter how Frum. Of course I’ve known a few that specifically wanted out of the Chasidic lifestyle too. So as important as a background may be it should never be the sole reason for not dating.
If people enter a relationships with their eyes wide open, well informed about possible pitfalls, their lives can truly be enriched by the differing backgrounds. Each person will bring a different perspective into the relationship and that can result in tremendous insight which otherwise would be missed in more homogenized backgrounds.
With all the problems going on now in the world of Shiduchim, I would think that Baal Teshuva factor should be the first one discarded in considering a date. That may not be the solution. But at least it would be a step in the right direction.
