Modern Orthodoxy or Charedism: Which Chinuch or lifestyle is the greater danger to children dropping out of observance?
I’m not referring to the philosophical differences. I am talking about the practical differences. Let us examine the elements of these two communities.
In Israel the Charedi system is a far more all encompassing. Talmid Torah Keneged Kulam. Torah study is equal to and supersedes all other Mitzvos. This is taken quite literally. Torah education is almost the exclusive form of education from the very beginning of their lives. This takes up the majority of a child’s time. The time spent leaning Torah increases with every passing year.
In America and other western countries, the philosophy is the same but a bit more ‘watered down’ and includes a minimal secular studies program through high school. More importantly however, the amount of free time remaining is severely limited. And the types of activities permitted to them are just as severly limited.
They are sheltered in the extreme. The outside world is treated almost as though it doesn’t exist. And to the extent there is any concession to it, it is treat as evil incarnate in all its facets. This is true both in Israel and the US but in Israel the sheltering is even tighter and more extreme.
There is a sub-category I would call Charedi Lite. These are the parents who talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. I have seen these parents in the mixed swimming pools of Miami Beach. They may very well have a TV in the house although it may be kept in a parental bedroom. They also may have the internet but forbid their children to use it. The children are brought entirely up with Charedi values. And those values are re-enforced very strongly in their schools.
A child sees their parents participate in forbidden activities. They see a home full of contradictions with parents not practicing what they preach or what they …the children… learn in school. One can only imagine what is going through their minds under these conditions.
Modern Orthodoxy has its own problems. The majority of this community are what I call Modern Orthodox Lite. Some would call them Orthoprax, but I think that is misleading. It suggests that they are not religious at all… observing Halacha for purely social reasons. I don’t believe that is true for most modern Orthodox Jews. MO Lite Jews are religious but they place a heavy emphasis on the ‘modern’ sometimes at the expense of the ‘Orthodox.
As a result many modern Orthodox Jews are lax in certain Mitzvos. This should not be seen as a criticism of Modern Orthodoxy as a Hashkafa. An Orthodox Jew living a modern lifestyle is still required to follow Halacha no less than any other Jew. Modernity does not exempt one from Halacha. But the fact is that many modern Orthodox (of the MO-Lite persuasion) are lax in areas like Tznius in clothing. Many of the married women do not cover their hair. Mixed swimming and even mixed social dancing is often found in their circles. They are Orthodox. There is no question about that. They are Shomer Shabbos Shomer Kashrus and basically observe Taharas HaMishpcha. But in the areas I mentioned and perhaps in a few others, they are lax.
When it comes to Limud HaTorah, they are all for it in theory. But the emphasis is clearly secular studies with the goal of getting in to the ‘brand name’ universities… the so called ‘Ivies’. Torah study… that is the Limudei Kodesh program… is looked at as mostly utilitarian. It is treated as a ‘how to be Jewish’ program and as a means of making their children conversant with its study.
How do children of the modern Orthodox system fare? Do they follow in their parent’s footsteps? Or do they go off the track?
What about the children of Charedi families. Does the over sheltering of the Charedi families cause these kids to rebel? What about the hypocracy of the Charedi Lite families? Does that cause rebellious children?
In Modern Orthodoxy, the exposure to the culture may very well contribute to a child going off the track. What a child sees on television and in the movies can easily become the ideal to be emulated. And the parents are already half way there for they too participate in the culture. If the parents are of the MO-Lite variety the dangers of dropping out is even greater.
Hypocracy is the culprit. If one attends a religious school where things are preached but not practiced in the home, it is the home that will hold sway. Add to that the push toward academia and the Ivy League… and a child can very easily go off the track in college.
There are a great number of good Ivy League type schools that have a large contingency of Frum kids who stay frum. I was recently even apprised of the fact that in one such school there is even a makeshift Beis Hamedrash which is well utilized on a daily basis. But at the same time, there are a great number of these kids who drop out too. The most famous recent example of this is Harvard Professor Noah Feldman who ended up marrying a non Jew.
For the Charedi Lites, one can explain the dropout phenomenon in a similar light. Hypocrisy breeds rebellion. If one does not see consistency in the home, one can easily reject what they are taught. Actions by a 'role model' parent speak far louder than the words of a teacher... or the words of a parent who violates those words.
While consistency between what one preaches and what one does is vital, it is not by itself enough to guarantee that a child will follow in their parent’s footsteps. The fact is that many of the children who have gone off the track are from the most idealistic of Charedi families. I’m told by people who deal with these kids that what we see is only the tip of the iceberg. Lest people say that many of these ‘off the track’ kids are from dysfunctional families… that is only a partial answer. There are many Charedi kids that come from the best of families where all siblings are exemplars of Charedi virtue.
What to do.
The first line of defense in my view is consistency. Hypocrisy is to be completely avoided. The Lite version of Orthodoxy whether MO or Charedi is the worst environment in which to be raised. But what about serious MO versus serious Charedi? In my view the key is not the Hashkafa, but how a parent communicates and lives his values.
Let us take the medium of television as an example. One does not need to have a TV in the house, but one need not forbid it either. What is important is what is conveyed about the medium. If one has a TV in the home it should be used with great care and parental supervision. In the event that something inappropriate is seen it is dealt with in a straight forward manner. No hysterics.
In homes where there is no TV, it is not to be vilified. Nor should it be entirely forbidden outside the home. Rules should be made as to what is appropriate and what is not. And then if a child finds him or her self watching an inappropriate program, they have been warned and prepared.
And depending on the level of impropriety, discipline should be applied. Again, no hysterics. And if a violation it is inadvertent, they will have been prepared for it. It will not affect them the same way as complete sheltering would. This approach can be applied to anything encountered outside the world of Torah.
In my view there will be a lot less chance of rebellion if things are handled this way. It may not be fool proof but I personally believe that consistency, balance, moderation and common sense are the best weapons we have to prevent the tragedy of a rebelling child.
