Why are there so many young people having trouble getting married?
Part of the problem is that we grew up idealizing marriage—and that if we’d had a more realistic understanding of its cold, hard benefits, we might have done things differently. Instead, we grew up thinking that marriage meant feeling some kind of divine spark, and so we walked away from uninspiring relationships that might have made us happy in the context of a family.
These are very wise words but they are not my own. They are the words of strident feminist Ms. Lori Gottlieb from an article in Atlantic Monthly. But these words are just as apt for the Torah world as they are for Ms. Gottlieb’s world.
Feeling a divine spark might be what is expected when is one finds their Basherte. Beshert is the Yiddish term for pre-destined. But most people know it in its common usage: A Besherte is the person you are pre-destined to marry via a mandate from Heaven. The Talmud tells us that 40 days before the creation of an embryo, one’s marriage partner is determined. This is taken to mean that everyone has their soul-mate in this world... which is up to them to find and marry.
Since it is divine in nature, it implies finding a perfect mate - a soul mate. In my view this definition is inaccurate and counter productive. There is a contradiction between the concept of the pre-destiny described in the Talmud and ‘the freedom to choose’ which is the hallmark of western culture. Western culture emphasizes individuality and freedom. Pre-destiny does not go well with that. So we end up with a clash of cultures. We are free to choose and yet we are pre-destined.
I believe this is one of the major contributing factors to the Shiddach crisis. Freedom and personal choice means one has the option to wait until he or she finds their pre-destined perfect soul-mate.
Indeed such a match would be one made in Heaven. The problem is that complete compatibility is rare. And truly wise people realize that. People who hold out for their soul-mates are really looking for a clone of themselves in the form of the opposite sex - a person who has the exact same views… and likes… and dislikes of all things.
But marriage is not about perfection. It is a rare occurrence when there aren’t any issues between a married couple no matter how compatible they are. So in the end being a soul-mate has less to do with perfection than it does with commitment and compromise.
I recently wrote about a religious woman whose Hashkafos were probably right wing modern Orthodox. She is getting divorced. I don’t want to minimize her complaints and I in fact defended her in my post… asking if there is something lacking in religious culture that can be improved upon so as to address her concerns.
In comparing her article to the one by Ms. Gottlieb, I found a kind of role reversal. The religious Jew is pining for a more secular approach to marriage and the secular Jew is pining for a more traditional approach. I must admit, that Ms. Gotlieb has won me over with her arguments. There is a lot of introspection and much wisdom in her words. Much of what she says can be found in the traditions of Torah Judaism. What she describes as important and unimportant are much the same as I would describe them.
Of course as Rabbi Yitzchak Adlerstein points out in cross-currents, Ms. Gottlieb does go a bit too far. She sees this as an either-or proposition. One can either look for the perfect husband and all the romance that goes with that.. or one should settle for Mr. Good Enough. The truth lies somewhere in-between. One cannot realistically expect to have it all. But one can expect to have most of it if they are willing to compromise on what’s not important.
If one will only re-adjust the attitude of a Basherte as a perfect soul-mate into an attitude of realism - where commitment and compromise are understood as the key factors to a successful and satisfying marriage - one will most certainly end up having a great life.
As pointed out by Ms. Gottlieb and some of her feminist friends who have had the same epiphany she did:
Don’t worry about passion or intense connection.
...marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion.
Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with.
I would say even if he’s not the love of your life, make sure he’s someone you respect intellectually, makes you laugh, appreciates you … I bet there are plenty of these men in the older, overweight, and bald category (which they all eventually become anyway).
How refreshingly and intellectually honest these observations and conclusions are. Life experience has taught these feminist women much of what observant Judaism preaches from the start.
