GoingGoingGone is the pseudonym of a commenter who has a made a very challenging comment on my post about Mikvah use by singles. After reading it she had the following to say: ‘The lack of empathy shown in this article really disappoints me.’
I understand why she read the post that way. But the fact is I do have empathy… or at least sympathy… for people who can't express normal… or even abnormal sexual urges. As a student of psychology and as a member of the human race I fully realize the importance of the libido - more commonly known as the sex drive. But as sad as it is for people to be unable to express themselves sexually in forbidden contexts, it still remains forbidden to do so.
The sages understood the libido quite well. That's probably why they said Shemoneh Esreh L'Chupa. That is…they considered 18 to be the appropriate age for marriage. The problem is not in forbidding expression of the sexual urges at a early age. Halacha permits that in the context of marriage. The real problem is the Shidach crisis. And it is a crisis that cuts across the entire spectrum of Orthodoxy with the possible exception of Chasidim.
This is a problem that has evolved in the modern era. The sex urge remains the same today as it did 200 years ago. But our people have become very diverse and affected by the various subcultures they are in. Let's examine this in a bit more detail.
At age 18 one is normally way too young for the responsibilty of marriage in most cases. In our culture one rarely is mature enough at that age. Marriage at that age can easily lead to an early divorce. In some cases there are children. Not a great way for them to start out life.
It is also important to recognize that we are no longer an agrarian society as was the case during the days of Chazal. We are a cosmopolitan one that has many different roles for different people... roles that take more time to prepare for.
Some professions take many years of hard work to prepare for and that often delays marriage. This phenomenon is compounded by the fact that the older one gets the more set in their ways they become. That makes it even harder to find a compatible marriage partner.
In communities like the Upper West Side of New York there is an additional factor which in my view is the most harmful of all... the development of a singles culture where the biggest obstacle to marriage is the social disease of commitment phobia. Again, I fault the culture for this.
In short there are many reasons for putting off marriage. So in truth it is not Halacha that is denying anyone from expressing their normal sexual urges. In large part it is the Shiddach crisis That society has evolved this way cannot be blamed on Halacha. That doesn’t mean we can’t find a solution to the problem. But it ought to be one in concert with the holiness associated with the creative act.
It is Halacha does that infuses holiness into the creative act. That is why placing the ring on a woman's finger is called Kiddsuhin. A man makes the following declaration to a woman at that time: ‘Harei At Mekudeshes Li B' Tabaas Zu K’Das Moshe V' Yisroel. ‘Behold, you are hereby sanctified to me according to the laws of Moses and Israel.
Sanctified... made holy. That is what sex is about in Halacha. The creative act is a pleasurable one that God considers holy if done according to Halacha... the laws of Moses and Israel. And though the primary purpose of that act is procreation, it is not the only purpose. Expressing love and affection are legitimate in and of themselves. The Torah recognizes that and that is why pregnant women may continue to have sex without the burden of a monthly period of abstinence. And that’s why in many cases certain types of contraception are permitted.
This of course does not diminish the problem of a 30 and over single. That population includes many Charedim as well. They too have not married and are also unable to express their sexual urges.
The problem in the Charedi world is a bit different than it is in the modern Orthodox world. In that community there are far too many people missing out for the dumbest of reasons. Obstacles have developed that have probably left thousands of Charedi singles out in the cold.
Here are just some that come immediately to mind.
There is an over- emphasis on youth of the female. 23 is considered over the hill in most Charedi communities.
There is an unreasonable fear of illneses in a family - both physical and mental. One family member that suffers from an illness taints the entire family. Even when there is no genetic component to that illness.
There is an over-emphases on looks, mostly on how thin a young woman is.
Other stupid considerations are on the color of one’s Shabbos tablecloth. The color of a boy’s shirt, The compatibility between in-laws… and God knows how many other ridiculous and artificial parameters there now are.
And then there is the grand-daddy of them all. I call it the ‘best boy in Lakewood’ syndrome. That’s a phenomemon which includes high price tags on top students. And it also includes the indoctrination of young women in Beis Yaakovs and seminaries to look only for young men who are learning fulltime… preferably in a place like Lakewood.
And in both cultures if one factors in all the erotica that permeates the culture… the ready symbols of love and sex… then a delay in marriage becomes an even greater catastrophe than it already is. Sex urges are then denied halachicly at the same time we are being bombarded by sexual cues.
The answer to this problem is not in allowing halachicly questionable means for singles to express their sexual ugres. The answer is to reduce the number of singes in every Orthodox enclave, whether Charedi or modern Orthodox. Will everyone get married and have great sex if that we change our ways? No. there will always unfortunately be exceptions. Even marriage doesn’t guarantee that. I don’t have all the answers. But solving the Shidach crisis will go a long way to eliminating the problem for the vast majority of singles in the Torah world.
