 |
| Shulem Deen in happier times |
I was sad not so much about his erroneous (in my view) conclusions
about God and Judaism. Although I am in no way minimizing the importance of
that - this post isn’t about that. I was sad about the tragic consequences to his
family and to his own life. The book
does not end with the divorce of his wife. Shulem goes on to tell the story
about how the relationship with his ex-wife and children deteriorated despite
his noble attempts to maintain it… and how that affected the quality of his
life.
As Shulem describes it, the divorce was perhaps the most
amicable one in history. Despite his lack of belief - a Get (religious
divorce) was given. There was complete agreement between Shulem and his
ex-wife about how the children would be raised and when each parent would have
the children. Shulem and his ex-wife still cared about each other and both
wanted the best for them. There was open and frequent communication
between Shulem and his ex-wife. The children were to be raised as Skverer Chasidm. Shulem would
provide Kosher food and keep a Kosher kitchen at standards acceptable to
Skvere. The children loved both their parents and interacted with their father in the typically loving way fathers
and children do.
But after awhile things began deteriorating. Long story
short, the relationship with hs ex-wife ended. And eventually so did the
relationship with all but one of his children. Shulem loved (loves) his children dearly, like
any good father. And except for the religious issues, he seemed to have been an
exemplary father. And now it was all gone. This hurt him deeply.
But that isn’t all. He lost his community. He lost a past
that gave him much comfort and joy. He lost the Chasidus he once loved and
gained so much from. He longed for what he once had in Skver. It was more than
just losing the social aspect – which alone can be depressing. He lost the
meaning that Judaism in general and Skvere in particular gave his life
He now lived in a world radically different from his past.
For the most part he lived a lone and very lonely life. With no friends, no family
and no community he felt lost. Not that he regretted his choices. But he
regretted losing things that were so very precious to him.
He tried in various ways to make new friends; find a new
community; and inject some meaning into his life but for the most part he has
not. Certainly not in any way close to what he had before. Shortly after he
lost his family, he lost his programming job which was outsourced to India. He
ended up suffering from depression so severe that he became suicidal. That moved his psychotherapist to have him
hospitalized. To read the description of the despair he felt at this point in
his life was gut-wrenching.
As sad as I felt when I began reading this book, I felt even
sadder when I completed it. Here was a man that simply sought out truth and
when he found what he believed it to be it cost him dearly.
To his credit, Shulem realized that there was no real
villain here. He could not expect his children –raised from birth fully as Skverer
Chasidim - to take the path away from all that along with him. He must have also
known that religious leaders would understandably not want a heretic to have
any influence over his children and would seek to end or severely minimize his contact
with them no matter how much and how sincerely he promised to accommodate them
religiously.
This is not to say that Shulem wouldn’t keep his word. I
believe he would. But they believe one cannot trust a heretic to fully keep his
word on matters of religion. It was no doubt pressure from those rabbinic
leaders caused the end of the relationship between Shulem and his family.
Shulem must at some level have known that - even as his relationship ended
amicably - it would eventually come to this.
There is a particularly poignant passage in the book about
Shulem’s serach for meaning in his life found a Non Orthodox Shul. While there, he heard the prayers he had once so fervently recited that gave his life so much
meaning and it reminded him of what he once had… and was lost forever.
I can’t help but feel strong sympathy for Shulem. Had he stayed with his family and his
new found disbelief he may have fared better. There are many Orthodox Jews who
have lost faith, and yet remained with their families and observed the Mitzvos.
At least outwardly. The children are still raised Orthodox. Had Shulem done
that he might not have lost it all.
I know that would have meant not being true to who he really
was. And I don’t know if it was possible in his case. But I somehow think he
would have been better off doing that – same as other former believers have. Perhaps
he also, could have found compromise by leaving Skvere and living the kind of Orthodox lifestyle that
would have given him many of the things he now has but that Skverer Chasidus
could not have given him. Like use of the internet or having a TV in the house.
Not that I have a right to tell people how to live their
lives. I just wish that he would have made choices that would have kept his
family intact, and given him a better more meaningful life. Shulem says that he
has no regrets. And yet I wonder if he has had similar thoughts?
So I am sad for Shulem who still seems to live a very lonely
life. I am sad for his children who lost a father they once loved. And yet I am
hopeful that those with similar leanings that read his book will realize that the kind of radical
change Shulem Deen made- even as he felt
it was the right one based on being true to oneself -may not be the best
solution for individual happiness.
