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| Open Orthodox Rabbi, Shmuly Yanklowitz |
Off the top of my head, I can think of at least 4 cases of illicit sexual activity
between consenting Orthodox Jews. And I emphasize ‘consenting’. Two were students
at a coed Jewish high school where the young women became pregnant and had ‘shotgun’
weddings. One was a Yeshiva student who got a girl friend no one knew about pregnant. He too had a shotgun wedding. And the fourth was a rather famous (or infamous) case where the respected Rosh HaYeshiva
of a respected Hesder Yeshiva in Israel committed adultery with a married staff
member. (He obviously is no longer the Rosh HaYeshiva).
I mention these cases to demonstrate a famous Talmudic principle:
Ayn Apitropus L’Arayos – there is no guardian for sexual activity. It can
happen to anyone at any time. No matter how devout they might be.
This is why there are so many fences built around Orthodox
Judaism with respect to interaction between the sexes. This is why there is a
Halacha called ‘Yichud’ which forbids any man to be in the same room alone with
a married woman (and to a lesser extent any woman - married or not) other than
his wife.
(The details of this Halacha are beyond the scope of this
post. Suffice it to say that this Halacha is often observed in the breach. If
it were observed more scrupulously, there would be far less accusations of rape
or sex abuse. But I digress.)
As has been noted here many times, we live in a culture
where interaction between the sexes is as common as breathing air. Coed
education in western culture is therefore very much the norm. And that is the
reason we have many (but not all) Modern Orthodox day schools and high schools
that are coed.
I am opposed to coed schools beyond 6th grade and
especially high school. Once a child reaches puberty the sex drive kicks into
high gear. Teenage boys think of little else when their minds are not being
distracted by their studies. Which is often the case when in the same classroom
with young teenage women. I have always felt that the benefits of learning how
to socialize with members of the opposite sex are outweighed by the harm it can
theoretically cause in a variety of ways. The less distraction there is in the
classroom, the more a student will learn.
But that is not the only problem. More important is the fact
that coed high schools increase the chances for sexual activity. The fact is that
violations of the Halachic prohibition against men and women touching each other (commonly
called Shomer Negiah) are completely ignored by the majority of coed students –
which can easily lead to more explicit sexual activity in some cases.
What about boys and girls learning how to interact with each
other? I support social contact outside the classroom on a limited and more or
less chaperoned basis. Like inviting families that have teens of the opposite
sex from your own children over for a Shabbos meal. Or at a Shabbos Kiddush in Shul. Or perhaps chaperoned Bnei Akiva type functions. (I am
opposed to coed camps past high school too. There is just too much un-chaperoned
time given to teens that are away from home in those circumstances.)
For me this is the happy medium between complete isolation
of the sexes and complete integration of the sexes.
Which brings me to an article in the Forward about sex
education. Lana Adler tells us of a call by Open Orthodox Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz’s to change the Orthodox paradigm for this subject. In essence he suggests
we embrace the kind of sex education they teach in public schools. Which does
not rely on only abstinence to prevent contracting sexually transmitted
diseases (STDs) and to prevent unwanted pregnancies. We need to teach our young about safe sex, he says, because even
though sex among Orthodox teenagers is rare, it does happen (as I pointed out).
And consequences like contracting STDs can be tragic.
I understand his motives. But I have to question the
propriety of a religious school teaching young observant teenagers how to use condoms to avoid
STDs or unwanted pregnancies when having sex.
True, teaching abstinence doesn’t always work. Especially in
young people in coed schools whose behavior typically ignores Hilchos Yichud and
Negiah. Although it may work in the vast majority of cases, it doesn’t work in
all of them. But is teaching them to use
condoms the answer?!
The problem with teaching young people that is that you are
teaching them to violate Halacha. But perhaps even worse is the idea that by inference
you are teaching young teenagers full of raging hormones that unmarried sex is
not so bad since your religious teacher is telling you how to avoid getting STDs.
This is not Jewish education. This is an abomination of Jewish values. And not how
we solve the problem of rare cases of teenage transmitted STDs or unwanted pregnancies.
Sure – young people should be educated about those things.
But not at the cost of implying that unmarried sex is OK – or at least so common
that we have to teach teenagers how to avoid contracting STDs by using condoms.
There ought to be a lot more education about the parameters of Halacha that
forbids unmarried sex and anything that might lead to it. Education that teaches the severity of having
sex with a Niddah (a woman that has experienced menstruation and yet never gone
to a Mikva). It is an Issur Kares - one of the most serious violations of Halacha
in Judaism.
That in rare cases where it might happen anyway, is not a
reason to ignore our values. Teaching teenagers to use condoms when having sex
implies that sex is almost expected at that age. Even among religious Jews. Are
we teaching our young people to have condoms in their wallets – just in case?! That
is an outrage and absolutely not what Jewish education is about. Besides, I
have to wonder how many teenagers haven’t heard about using condoms to prevent STDs
anyway in this day and age? And even if they know about it, in the heat of the
moment, they may not do anything about it.
The best way to handle this problem is along the lines I
suggested. Reduce the amount of un-chaperoned time teenagers of the opposite
sex have with each other. And if possible avoid sending your teenage children
to coed schools. Even though that is not 100% foolproof, condom use isn’t 100% foolproof
either. True - as noted above – Ayn Apitropus L’Arayos. But following these
guidelines will make abstinence more likely and make rarer the likelihood of
illicit sex and the possible contraction of STDs.
