When it comes to the subject of Agunos, I admit to being somewhat of an ignoramus. Not so much about the Halacha, but about the dynamics and psychology of the problem. But as I just said that did not stop me from commenting on this issue many times in the past. And it isn’t going to stop me now.
For me this issue is about compassion. If one looks at what it means to be an Agunah. One cannot have anything but compassion. To briefly explain what an Agunah is, it is a woman that is married to a man who has disappeared – without knowing whether he is alive or dead. Since a woman may not marry anyone else while she is married, she is unable to re-marry.
In the event that she does and or has sexual relations with any other man, she and that man have violated one of the 3 cardinal sins of Judaism. Which under the right circumstances carries the death penalty. (Although for reasons beyond the scope of this post – this does not apply today.) Getting remarried under those circumstance has an even more devastating consequence if there are children. They are considered Mamzerim and may not marry a Jewish spouse. If they do their children will be Mamzerim. As will their chidren’s children Ad infinitum.
As the term ‘Agunah’ is used today, it refers to another situation that nevertheless places a woman in the same state as the classic definition does. Which is why it is used. This happens when she and her husband end up involved in a contentious and bitter divorce. There are unfortunately some men that use her status as a potential Agunah as weapon to gain an unfair advantage in a divorce.
They will refuse to give her a Get (religious divorce) unless she capitulates to any unreasonable demand he makes. Since a woman remains married to a man until she gets a Get, she cannot get remarried. Same as a woman who does not know if her husband is alive or dead. This can go on for years and even decades in some cases. There are some really terrible people out there who could not care less about the woman they once loved enough to marry - and now hate.
There have been many attempts to resolve this issue. Some of them work and some don’t. The best solution I know of is the RCA prenuptial agreement. When that is applied prior to a marriage it will prevent a woman from becoming an Agunah. In those cases where it is not used - an unscrupulous husband can force her into being an Agunah.
Other attempts to resolve this problem have met with limited success at best - if at all. In some cases women remarry believing they got a legitimate Get when in fact they didn’t. There are some cases where the Get given was of questionable validity. And in some cases a Halachic annulment is given when it shouldn’t be. Or there is controversy about whether a loophole was properly applied.
This is why one must have compassion for these ‘chained’ women. They have no way out.
But if there is one criticism I would have it would be when children are used as pawns. This applies to both parties in the conflict. Custody issues are often at the heart of Get refusal by the husband. On the other hand, it has become a tactic for a woman to accuse their husbands of sexually abusing their children. Sometimes it’s true, but sometimes it’s not. Although all accusations of sex abuse must be taken seriously and thoroughly investigated, there is not a doubt in my mind that this has become an increasingly used tactic to gain custody.
As bad as sexual abuse of a child is, not far behind that is a false accusation thereof for purposes of gaining a custody of the children in a divorce. I don’t know what percentage of those accusations are true, but I also know that it happens more often than most people realize. Besides being a lie and being unfair to a husband. It is devastating to the children.
But it doesn’t have to be sex abuse. When feuding parents use their children as pawns – each denigrating the other in front of them, those children suffer. I can’t imagine what it’s like for a child of any age to constantly hear each parent trash talking the other. There is a reason children of divorce often have serious psychological issues to overcome. I don’t know too many children that aren’t hurt by a parental divorce even when it is amicable. Which is probably rare anyway.
This is where I agree with Rabbi Elchanan Poupko. When parents divorce they ought to not look out so much for themselves and instead think about how they are affecting their children. Is alienating a child from a parent the right thing to do when seeking advantage in a divorce? I cannot emphasize enough how damaging that is to the child. I doesn’t take rocket science to figure that out.
But what is all too often overlooked is the damage it does to the alienated parent. And that too is often overlooked. Here in part is what Rabbi Poupko says:
There is also no question there are many men who are alienated in one way or another from their children. These men are less likely to turn to get help and the support they need, commit suicide at high rates and are deprived of what is most precious to them—spending time raising their own children. This pain gets less communal recognition than it deserves and is too a moral and human catastrophe.
One thing Get refusal and parental alienation often have in common is the shared victims—children. Children in these situations are often ignored, used as bargaining chips, and suffer psychological trauma. If they are not old enough to be traumatized during the conflict, they will grow up and know enough to be traumatized. The events often because public enough that children’s friends and extended family will know, and those children might never have a clean slate and a chance for a normal life.
As Rabbi Poupko also notes, this outrage is easily preventable. All it takes is to realize what it does to children when a parent is badmouthed to the extent of alienating him for them.
It might be difficult to hold back the anger generated by divorce. But if one wants the children to come out whole from that experience, they need to be able to have a positive relationship with their children after the divorce. Using them as pawns in any way will do the opposite.
As Rabbi Poupko suggests, it is also counterproductive when the community at large takes sides. That just adds fuel to the fire. That has to stop. I will end with the wise words of Rabbi Poupko. It is good advice we should all follow:
As a community, we have the power to apply social pressure and let members of our community know what behaviors are unacceptable to us, what crosses a red line, and what issues would make us go out of our way to support. The one issue unifying all of our causes should be decency and opposing its opposite. Be it Get refusal or child alienation, we should all be on the side of decency. We should stand by those suffering from others’ indecency and urging those who engender pain and conflict to cease such behavior and that it is unacceptable to us…
Ultimately, it is harmony and the wellbeing of individuals in general—and children in particular—that should be our ultimate goal. “And the deed of righteousness shall be peace, and the act of righteousness [shall be] tranquility and safety until eternity. And My people shall dwell in a dwelling of peace, and in secure dwellings and in tranquil resting-places.” (Isaiah 32)
