I just spent a very nice Shabbos with a Menahel of a day school somewhere in America, and with his younger children. He told me that he is a bit worried about his son who is 24 years old and looking for a Shiddach. He said that his son is a bit too picky …and is looking for support.
Well, the Menahel does not know my views on this subject and I wasn’t about to spoil his Shabbos by telling him. So I just gave him a nod of assurance and told him that his son surely will find a great Shiddach and that he would shep much Nachas from them.
But the truth is that he hit one of my hot button issues: the idea that finding a proper Shiddach seems to increasingly involve money. It is no longer about finding an Ezer K’Negdo… a woman (or should I say lady) that will be a good mother to his children, and a companion for life. No… those aren’t the most important factors anymore. Nor is the age old advice of seeking a Bas Talmid Chacahm. …or finding a true Baalas Chesed or Baalas Midos. Nope. It’s all about the money. “How much am I gonna get for marrying your daughter?”
This is what’s going on in the Yeshiva world today. Make no mistake about it. If you are a member of the RW or Charedi Torah world and you have a young daughter, sart saving your pennies… your number one concern is how much money canyou pay regularly to your future son-in-law… and for how long.
I am hearing about such Shidach demands more and more. Well, what about those who have bought into the ideal of learning full time, barely making ends meet on a meager Kollel income and what ever the wife can earn (after paying for childcare needs)? Such Bnei Torah have been taught and touted as the cream of the Torah world… reaching the epitome of what God wants of us to. They have sacrificed a more materially improved way of life and lived modestly for twenty years and now have marriageable young ladies in the Parsha.
The fact is they too will have their potential Shiduchim making financial demands of their future father in laws. And that’s why Lakewood has relaxed its residency requirements for Lakewood students before they can date if they date a Lakewood girl. A few years ago Lakewood instituted a policy that any one coming to Lakewood cannot date for at least a year (if I recall correctly). This was done to discourage Bnei Torah from setting up residency in Lakewood for purposes having Lakewood credentials… an important factor amongst young Charedi women (or should I say ladies) looking for Shiduchim. But if one is willing to date a Lakewood girl the restrictions are removed and he can date her immediately. What a double standard! Live this lifestyle but your daughters? … well Nebech. Well try and help them but….
I know all the arguments. I’ve written about this before. But this problem only seems to be getting worse. This mindset is becoming more and more entrenched. It can’t bode well for the future, if money… is number one.
